Missing Scene from Affliction

Disclaimer: Star Trek names, features and borrowed dialogues are property of CBS/Paramount, all rights reserved. No claims.

Comments: Part of a series covering TnT relation from seasons 3&4.

Acknowledgments: Opal for kind beta-reading & suggestions.

"... this is my daydream, you go away!"

The vision of him vanished from her meditation space. At that moment she didn't really understand what had happened. Trip had been so close, so real, much more than in a dreamy image. She still felt the strength of his words when he had asked her to leave. T'Pol tried to resume her meditation, but found that she was unable to. That night her sleep was not completely restful.

During her next shift when she was working with Hoshi to decipher the data record from the Rigelian ship, Hoshi asked her:

"Is it unusual to have weird dreams after a mind-meld?"

"Subconscious thoughts are often exchanged. They sometimes surface during sleep."

"I had a bizarre dream last night. Commander Tucker was in it. We were in a strange place, it was all white. There was almost a romantic quality to it. I don't ever remember dreaming about Commander Tucker before."

When T'Pol returned to her quarters at the end of her shift she wondered about what Hoshi had said when they had been working together.  The white place she had described reminded T'Pol of her meditation environment. As a Vulcan she didn't usually dream, but could she have had subconscious thoughts that had involved Trip? Could it be that she was missing him? His presence while she had meditated last night had been strong enough to disturb the suppression of her emotions.

"Is it possible that a bond has been established between us?" - There was the long held belief on Vulcan that mated pairs could share their thoughts. She remembered how her parents were able to sense each other even when they were apart and in different areas on Vulcan. "If bonds are formed when we mate - could it be possible that Trip is my mate because of our past relations?" But sexual involvement alone was not usually enough to cause a mate bond to form. Pon'farr sex with a friend or a colleague, when one was too far away to return to their chosen betrothed, didn't lead to a bond being established.

She also recalled how weakly she sensed Koss when they touched during the marriage ceremony. Later, when meditating at Mount Seleya she had not been aware of Koss at all. "It is therefore logical to assume that I never bonded with Koss. Is it possible that because I was already bonded to Trip I could not be joined with Koss? However I have never heard of a Vulcan being able to bond with an alien being."

Vulcans don't display signs of affection, but Humans are openly emotive in expressing their feelings; and human couples often tell to their mates 'I love you' to please them. Trip had never said that. He told her in the Expanse that he was attracted to her.  His clone Sim had told her about feelings he had for her, although he had been unsure if the feelings were his or Trip's. Never, even during sexual intercourse, had Trip spoken the words 'I love you'. "Either I am having wild dreams about him or I have formed a bond with him?" These thoughts were disturbing; she didn't feel comfortable with them. "I need to meditate."

She took a warm shower to relax, and then once she was dressed in her pajamas T'Pol took up her Kir'shara PADD, to look for advice from Surak's teachings. She read for a while and then began her mediation preparation by setting up the candles...

Trip was awakened by the Quartermaster's call, and he immediately started to consider what his duties would be that day, "It will take a full shift to fine tune Columbia's warp field coil emitters."

His thoughts then turned to Enterprise and he tried to guess how far away the ship would be now.

After he had undressed Trip showered; the warm water on his skin was a pleasant and familiar sensation, "I wish I could stay here all day..." - and before he could stop himself, he thought about T'Pol and having her there sharing the warmth of the water.

Suddenly he found himself back in the white environment. He looked for and saw T'Pol in her characteristic meditation posture, only this time she was wearing her blue pajamas.

"What are you doing here, again?"

"I am meditating."

"Can you leave me alone when you are meditating? Or should I always expect to find you in my daydreams?"

"I didn't ask you to come to me, you were probably thinking about me?"

"Okay, I admit that you were on my mind! I am trying to forget you but you don't seem to be able leave me alone! It's hurting me! This is cruel T'Pol!"

Their link was abruptly cut.

Then his image disappeared from T'Pol's mind. She found herself in her quarters on Enterprise, a shrill sensation running through her whole body. She started to review every detail of their conversation; she was even able to sense the water droplets that had touched Trip's skin. The anger evident in his voice; was he really trying to forget her? Did she also want to forget him? His tender care of her when sharing intimate moments, the emotions that were close to surface during sexual relations, the strong feelings she had felt for him when they had been intimate at her mother's house, the soft peck on his cheek she had gifted him before marrying Koss. She then recalled his recent words to her. Was she really being cruel, could she accept that she was capable of such a distasteful emotion?

"Mother, I miss you. I wish you were here to advise me."

She forced herself to resume meditation, wanting to search her mind for her mother's memories. She would be forever grateful to T'Pau for sharing them. She recalled what her mother had said to her at the T'Karath sanctuary as she lay dying

"... You have always struggled so much with your emotions. I came here... I did all this to help you...  I've always been so proud of you, my T'Pol."

Then T'Pol focused her mind on finding her mother's thoughts from a previous encounter; the day she had married Koss. When she entered her mother's memories she found herself at her family home sharing the thoughts of her mother on that day. With T'Les, she entered the room where Trip was adjusting his Vulcan clothes.

"Koss and his family are waiting." - I can sense that he appears to be uncomfortable about attending my daughter's marriage.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Trip had answered and then he added: "Know any good tailors?"

"These clothes belonged to my husband. They fit you well." - really, he looks fine wearing Vulcan robes.

"Aren't you bothered by the fact that T'Pol doesn't even care for this guy?"

He doesn't know how a Vulcan marriage works, how our feelings develop after we are joined. Human customs are probably very diverse - "She's fulfilling her family obligation. I met my husband once before we were joined. In time, we developed a deep connection to each other."

"Yeah. Well, maybe she'd rather make a connection with someone else."

He worries about her future; he feels that she might not develop affection for Koss, that she might be unhappy. Those feelings may come from his love for T'Pol. Is it possible that T'Pol has not clarified the situation with him? If she knew he was in love with her, she surely would have sorted it all out before agreeing to marry Koss. However it could be possible that T'Pol has not perceived his love for her? Perhaps he has never told her? - "Have you informed T'Pol?"

"Informed her of what?"

"You're in love with her. Vulcans may not express their emotions, but we are sensitive to them."

"I don't think I knew it until we were standing over that lava field... and she told me she was going to marry Koss. That's when it hit me. I was going to lose her. I wanted to tell her right there, but I couldn't."

He was shy... and surprised by the realization that he loved her, that was why he could not let her know what he felt for her - "There's still time."

"I thought you didn't approve."

"I may not condone your relationship but it's important to her to have all the facts." - Logic can only work when all of the information is known and taken in account.

"If I say anything T'Pol might call off the wedding. Or worse, not call it off. She's got enough pressure on her as it is. I don't want to make things any more complicated." - How noble this Human is. His first thought is to keep T'Pol from harm, even if it means sacrificing his love for her. A Vulcan in the same position would have openly told her to call for the kal'if'fee as a way to settle the dispute over her with Koss, regardless of what her consideration was.  I was wrong when I told T'Pol that there would be nothing but shame in having an human consort.

T'Pol was shaken as the reality behind the words stuck her. Trip had sacrificed his love for her in order that she could fulfill her duty to her family.  "He loved me!"

He was not only attracted to her as a colleague or sexual partner; his feelings were deeper than that. Her mother had perceived it - while she, with her emotions so close to the surface, had been unable to truly sense it. He had suffered after letting her go ahead with her decision to marry Koss. She then remembered that after her mother's death and the divorce from Koss, how little attention she had given to her relationship with Trip as she immersed herself in grief and learning about the teaching of Surak. "Trip feels that I have rejected him, supposes I have forgotten about the intimacy we shared. Do I truly love him?"

T'Pol knew that she was attracted to him; she had enjoyed their moments together, she missed him. However logic could not answer that single important question. In that moment she heard the older version of herself; the one who had married Trip and lived on the battered Enterprise that had existed for over a hundred years, giving her advice:

"Trip can be an outlet for those feelings if you'll trust him. The emotions he stirred in me were powerful and frightening. I tried to push him away. If Enterprise hadn't been stranded in the past it's possible I never would have married Trip, but I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him."

To her Vulcan mind came an unusual thought, "Have I - like humans say - fallen in love with him?

And again, she remembered asking her older self for advice:

"What do you suggest I do?"

"There is a Human expression: Follow your heart."

"What if my heart doesn't know what it wants?"

"It will ... in time. It will."

T'Pol realized that her heart was now telling her that she desired Trip, she loved him, missed him and wanted him close. The old woman was right; she could feel her heart, her love for him. But now Trip was light-years away, aboard the Columbia. She had lost the person she cared the most for in the last two years, the person who had been so close to her during those years. The person who had wanted to love her. An aching emptiness reached her heart, the emptiness filled her thoughts and a single tear rolled down her cheek.