Post a Scene

[JadziaKathryn]

Ohhhh. Thanks. Key contributions there.

[CX]

Made a revision.

Wounded

You knew how I felt about you
Long before that fateful night
My cloned twin telling you
While I lay in a coma, out of sight

You must’ve planned it all in advance
To stake your claim before you lost me to another
Though in truth there never was a chance
Before you there would be no other

I had gone through a lot and needed a friend
But you had withdrawn and left me alone
If you missed out on what I shared with her in your stead
You had only yourself to blame for being a stone

You would not openly admit to jealousy filling your head
But that didn’t keep you from taking advantage of me
Surprising me with a kiss and a robe quickly shed
You gave me a taste of what our love could be

The next morning you tore me apart inside
Telling me that what we shared meant nothing
And just like that you’d tossed me aside
Having used my body to satiate your own craving

I put on a brave face while yours hid behind a steaming cup of Chamomile
A small part of me hoping that your words were only out of public fear
I suggested that we forget everything with an almost playful zeal
And return to the alien massage we’d been giving each other for half a year

Instead you distanced yourself from me after that date
I reached out to you only to be driven away for my concern
I gave you my love but you’ve returned it with hate
I opened myself up to you only to be wounded in return

[Asso]

WOW!
I love it.

[Linda]

Yes, a good poem. I like to see it from the male point of view.

[justTripn]

You convey the sentiments nicely, however it doesn't scan well for me.

[CX]

I could use any constructive criticism anyone has to offer - I'd like to clean it up as much as possible before submitting it.

[Asso]

Well, obviously I can't sit in judgement over your language and your prosody, but, if I can tell you my impression, I agree with justTripn.
I don't know. If I am reading and declaiming your poem, it sounds like, now and then, it doesn't flow well.
But, please... take my opinion for its worth.

[Distracted]

It helps to think of poetry as music, CX. In a sonnet, which it looks like you're trying to do because of your rhyme scheme, the number of beats per line should be the same. When you read it there should be the same number of accented and unaccented syllables in each line as well as a rhyme at the end. In English the most common patterns are tetrameter (TaDA-TaDA-TaDA-TaDA) and pentameter (TaDA-TaDA-TaDA-TaDA-TaDA), but you can vary it as long as each line is the same.

When I look at the first stanza of your poem:

"You knew how I felt about you
Long before that fateful night
My cloned twin telling you
While I lay in a coma, out of sight"

The rhythm here is:
"TaDA-TaTaDA-TaTaDA" (Only three accented syllables)
"DA-TaTaDA-TaTaDA" (Also three but missing the first unaccented syllable which would make it match the first line)
"TaDA-TaDA-TaDA" (Three but no double unaccented syllables, so it doesn't match)
"TaDA-TaDA-TaDA-TaDA-TaDA (Five accented syllables)

If I were fixing this, I'd do something like this:

You knew how I felt about you
So long before that fateful night.
My clone revealed what he'd been through
While I lay near death, out of sight.

See how the accented and unaccented stresses match? That's how you get a poem to scan properly.

[Bether6074]

For the life of me, I don't think I'll ever understand the stressed, unstressed syllable thing. I can only (almost) tell whether it sounds off or not. Otherwise, I would have loved to help out.

[Asso]

But music really helps. In any language, I think.