The Upsetting News Thread

[justTripn]

When they get to that age, there is little that you can do. When my kids were that age, I often counted them up at bedtime and came up one or two short. When they were under 17, I made frantic phone calls until I had located them all. When they were 18 I threw up my hands and reminded myself that they were adults and probably OK. However, I was never worried that they were into something really bad. I'm sorry about your situation, but reach around, pat yourself on the back and remember that you did your best! And I'll keep my fingers crossed for her. She may wake up now or in a year or two and realize what she needs to do to succeed out there in the workplace.

[justTripn]

Also, when one of my children was a junior in high school his grades began slipping. My husband and I told him that with those grades, he would not get into the college he wanted to (he didn't), and that it was his life. He had had every opportunity. If he ended up working at McDonalds, he would still survive and neither of us would worry about that or feel sorry for him. That would be OK. He was so insulted, but it worked as a motivation, and he totally turned himself around. Now he is getting straight A's at a third-choice school where he has a full scholarship. It also helped me get my head straight about it: It's his life and after I do all I can do, I can't feel guilty.

[WarpGirl]

When I was 19 I moved away from my parents to another state, (they followed me but that wasn't my plan) there comes a time when every individual has to accept the responsibility for their own lives. Caregivers who have done their best to give their families good values and training are all any child can ask for. The rest is up to them, and if they screw up their lives then it is on them, and they have to deal with those bad choices. Does it make the family hurt less? Not usually, but they should remember they put the work in, but a child is still an individual and the responsibility is ultimately on them.

That said... Don't beat yourself up Linda.

[Linda]

Thanks Misplaced, JustTripn, and WarpGirl! I am not sure what I am going to do about this situation, but I am feeling like I will decide soon. It will be whatever is best for her and for Jim and me. I am a softer touch than Jim but I don't think I am helping my granddaughter by enabling her abilitiy to hide and not face her problems. We are probably going to ask her to leave. If she isn't going to spend nights at home during the school week and is either late for or missing school, she doesn't need our help trying to keep her in school. If that makes any logical sense. I need a Vulcan grandmother to confer with - ala Blacknblue's character who was helping Trip and T'Pol. But I AM the Vulcan grandmorhter, LOL. Jim and I are the oldest generation in our family now.

[Misplaced]

I don't think it's ever easy to watch someone you love throw away their life, especially after you have done everything you can to help them find a way. I know this isn't an easy decision, but you'll find your way. And maybe she needs to find hers, mistakes and all.

[justTripn]

Ha, ha. Yes, you ARE the Vulcan grandma. At least you have good fictional role models.

[Alelou]

If it makes you feel any better, my classrooms often contain a sizeable minority of people who threw their opportunities away when they were teenagers and are now starting over the hard way, but much older and wiser. They're often the best students.

[Linda]

Thanks Alelou, I will just have to keep that thought in mind. Just a few minutes ago, I wrote on Image's facebook wall that she has to return her key and remove her possessions. She has not been sleeping in her room the past three days and has not been to school. But she has been here, sneaking in to use the computer and wash her clothes when she knows we are not around. I don't want to keep enabling her to be doing whatever it is she is doing that is more important to her than finishing school. Hopefully she will be okay, or at least stay alive until she can realize that she has to finish school and get some job training to have a reasonably happy life! And thanks JT and Misplaced for your support. There really is little I can do if Image does not cooperate. But maybe someday she will see that we care and see us as trying to help rather than as obstacles in her life.

[Silverbullet]

Linda, you tried and that is important. It is up to her now.

It is hard to someone that isimportant go down the wrong path and not able to stop her. But for some exerpience is the ony teacher they will listen to.

It is a hard teacher but one that is effective (hopefully)

SB

[panyasan]

Linda

[Linda]

Thanks everyone for the support! It helps.

We just had a meeting with the high school councelor, Image, her parents, and me (grandma). Everyone got to give their feelings, frustrations, hopes, and concerns. Image does not want to 'sit in school bored every day'. So even the electives like culinary arts and photography can't draw her back to school. And these things are her special interests that she is good in! She wants to find a job and continue living with her boy friend and her boy friend's mother. I am not sure how long that will last as she seems to wear out her welcome every place she stays. And the job market is horrible, especially for a high school drop out.

She hadn't eaten yet today, so when I drove her to her boyfriend's place after the meeting at the school, I gave her a small amount of money to go get something to eat. And she perfers this life to going to school and having a parent or grandparent support her while she finishes school? She has only 6 credits to go to graduate!

She gave me a hug and I told her I loved her and that I hope she finds her way through these hard times. Then we parted. And the future is a blank slate, but it is hers to fill in, not mine, not her parents.

[WarpGirl]

Growing pains stink! But hopefully they lead to something good. At least she's willing to talk to all the people involved. You've done all you can, and from what you've said, I believe you've done very well. Hang in there Linda.

[justTripn]

Wow. If I recall correctly, the school system was outrageously unfair to her in the past, similar to what happened to my P. It makes me angry wondering it that maybe contributed to her lack of respect for that same system. *shakes head* It's so sad. Her choice may be shortsighted, but for now, at least she seems to be happy. Someone is taking care of her and she is in no immediate danger.

[Linda]

JT, residual resentment aganist the past incident with the perscprition drug may be part of her attitude toward the school, yes! She has not mentioned it lately, but you are right, JT, it might be a silent but glaring part of the reason she has rejected school. Even for adults with many years of experience, it is often hard to explain to others or even admit to ourselves, what lies at the heart of our actions sometimes. I am sure at times I confounded my own parents and Heather sure was an exaspiration to me as a teenager. But I think Image knows we love her and are there for her in emergencies. And it is her decision how she wants to manage her life.

[Kotik]

Thanks everyone for the support! It helps.

We just had a meeting with the high school councelor, Image, her parents, and me (grandma). Everyone got to give their feelings, frustrations, hopes, and concerns. Image does not want to 'sit in school bored every day'. So even the electives like culinary arts and photography can't draw her back to school. And these things are her special interests that she is good in! She wants to find a job and continue living with her boy friend and her boy friend's mother. I am not sure how long that will last as she seems to wear out her welcome every place she stays. And the job market is horrible, especially for a high school drop out.

She hadn't eaten yet today, so when I drove her to her boyfriend's place after the meeting at the school, I gave her a small amount of money to go get something to eat. And she perfers this life to going to school and having a parent or grandparent support her while she finishes school? She has only 6 credits to go to graduate!

She gave me a hug and I told her I loved her and that I hope she finds her way through these hard times. Then we parted. And the future is a blank slate, but it is hers to fill in, not mine, not her parents.

Linda, try not to be invasive. She'll get the clue. When she's hungry, she'll eat. I'm a university drop-out myself. They lured me out of it with a lucrative contract. I never finished university, but i've worked for Volkswagen, Audi, Commerzbank, Bosch, Bayer, Porsche and Mercedes-Benz, in short, the who-is-who of german industry. In the end it's skill and knowledge that counts, not the papers you got from your university. I've seen people graduating "Magna cum laude" and I moped the floor with 'em. Sometimes talent is more important than then the paper you brought back from university. By all means i'm an "uneducated" by german law and I'm making good money due to my skills, not due to my papers. It's a thin line to walk, but let her learn herself. If she falls on her face it'll be because of her own faults. You can't make those experiences for her, she'll have to learn for herself.