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This is what happens when you come out of the closet as a fan fic writer. Your own family turns on you.

My daughter and son-on-law decided to have fun this year and sent me an interesting christmas present. The package arrived a day late. So this morning UPS dropped off this huge box and I, all innocently curious, ripped it open to find... a Klingon Bath'leth. A real one. Sharp too.

What those young'uns think I am going to do with a four foot long, eight pound, razor sharp slab of shark-toothed steel is beyond me. This thing is an absolute duplicate of the one Worf used. A genuine functional killing tool.

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I considered taking it with me for grins and giggles. I was going to brandish it about the waiting room screaming, "Honorless p'tahk! Cower before the might of the Empire!" However my dearest wife assured me that if I chose to do so, coming home would not be an option so I was forced to rethink my plans.

I call upon the collective wisdom and creative genius of this community to help me find a practical, yet esthetically pleasing use for my new toy. All suggestions welcome.

P.S.

I mean all suggestions are welcome except those that would get me arrested, mutilated, killed (by myself or my spouse), and/or confined for psychiatric observation.

blackn'blue wrote:I call upon the collective wisdom and creative genius of this community to help me find a practical, yet esthetically pleasing use for my new toy. All suggestions welcome.

Just hang it over the mantlepiece!

...yeah, I'm boring tonight!

blackn'blue wrote:I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I considered taking it with me for grins and giggles. I was going to brandish it about the waiting room screaming, "Honorless p'tahk! Cower before the might of the Empire!" However my dearest wife assured me that if I chose to do so, coming home would not be an option so I was forced to rethink my plans.

I've got nothing that beats that. Heh. Make sure you dress up like a Klingon though...

Methinks I like your daughter and son-in-law. It reminds me of a buddy who was involved in a car accident involving a train, he got hit by a slow-moving train that FUBARed his car. That X-Mas, his parents got him a buttload of train-related gifts, including an alarm clock that sounded the train alert. I tracked down a railroad spike and got it buffed up and shiny.

It was a funny Christmas...

Kevin Thomas Riley wrote:

blackn'blue wrote:I call upon the collective wisdom and creative genius of this community to help me find a practical, yet esthetically pleasing use for my new toy. All suggestions welcome.

Just hang it over the mantlepiece!

...yeah, I'm boring tonight!

Alas, I have no mantlepiece. Central heating.

NEXT!

Do you have a single teenage daughter? Use it to scare boys away...

Well, you could always do what my husband has done with his rather large collection of pointy objects. (And by large, I don't just mean numerous. The man's got a 6 foot long Scottish greatsword, along with some very nice reproductions of Spanish rapiers, a Norse battleax, a Japanese katana, etc... all with very lovely and quite functional edges, thank you very much.)

The first step is to choose which room in the house you want to usurp as your display room. My husband's first choice was the living room, but I nixed that. After all, where would we put the deer heads and the ram horns and the kudu and nyala mounts? So then he decided that the rather euphemistically named "tool room" would have to do. (Don't get me wrong. There are tools in there somewhere. ) He's got the hunting gear piled to the ceiling in the corner of the room on top of the camping gear. (God forbid anyone should want to go rock climbing. I think the harnesses are at the bottom.) Then he put up pegboard over one entire wall and bought large economy sized equipment hooks from Lowes to hang 'em all up there. The display looks surprizingly nice if you turn your back away from the workbench crowded with the fragments of at least fifteen unfinished projects.

You would, of course, have to buy MORE pointy objects for this plan to work. The bath'leth will look awfully lonely hanging up there all by itself.

Well... at Halloween, it'll make a really cool addition to a haunted house, you could use it as part of a guillotine...

Um... let's see, what to do with it the rest of the year? Make a life-sized Worf (or other Klingon) to hold it and scare the pants off would be burglers while you're on vacation?

Distracted wrote:You would, of course, have to buy MORE pointy objects for this plan to work. The bath'leth will look awfully lonely hanging up there all by itself.

I have a fairly extensive knife collection now. But to this point, the largest functional bladed weapon I had on display in the bedroom was my eighteen inch Kukri. Most of my actual killing tools make loud noises. Not being part of a household with a two physician income, I lack the wherewithal to build a separate workroom for such a purpose, and the garage is already quite, quite full. As is the basement. And the attic. And the front home office. And the front hallway. And the back hallway. My wife has already refused me permission to hang it over the headboard of the bed, which was my initial suggestion. She fears the insidious grip of mean ole Mr. Gravity.

Jedikatie wrote:Well... at Halloween, it'll make a really cool addition to a haunted house, you could use it as part of a guillotine...

Um... let's see, what to do with it the rest of the year? Make a life-sized Worf (or other Klingon) to hold it and scare the pants off would be burglers while you're on vacation?

What do you suggest? Paper mache?

blackn'blue wrote:

Distracted wrote:You would, of course, have to buy MORE pointy objects for this plan to work. The bath'leth will look awfully lonely hanging up there all by itself.

I have a fairly extensive knife collection now. But to this point, the largest functional bladed weapon I had on display in the bedroom was my eighteen inch Kukri. Most of my actual killing tools make loud noises. Not being part of a household with a two physician income, I lack the wherewithal to build a separate workroom for such a purpose, and the garage is already quite, quite full. As is the basement. And the attic. And the front home office. And the front hallway. And the back hallway. My wife has already refused me permission to hang it over the headboard of the bed, which was my initial suggestion. She fears the insidious grip of mean ole Mr. Gravity.

She lets you display your knives in the BEDROOM? A very understanding woman, isn't she?

Hmmm. I didn't realize you already had ALL the wall space in the house spoken for. That does make it difficult, doesn't it? Have you tried bargaining with her? Certainly there's a hideous abstract painting or a portrait of late Aunt Bertha taking up useful wall space SOMEWHERE in the house. Maybe if you put it in a framed display case she wouldn't mind hanging it. An unsheathed blade on the wall would make me nervous, too. I'd be afraid I'd slice my fingers off dusting the damned thing.

You could try to go on an Earth Bound "Targ" hunt.

Just better take along a real weapon incase you keep missing the "Targs" with the Bath'leth an piss off the "Targs".

Or you could by some small wood land an clear cut it. An acre or two could provide a good work out.

Mitchell wrote: You could try to go on an Earth Bound "Targ" hunt.

Just better take along a real weapon incase you keep missing the "Targs" with the Bath'leth an piss off the "Targs".

Or you could by some small wood land an clear cut it. An acre or two could provide a good work out.

That is the problem right there. All the rest of my stuff has a practical purpose, or could have. Back in my younger days, before I got sick, I used to hunt, and camp, and just tramp around in the woods a lot. My knife collection consists of blades that could be used for practical purposes. Even the Kukri I mentioned earlier could be used in a pinch for brush cutting or survival purposes. The others are hunting knives, or survival bowies, or such stuff.

I don't know how to justify to myself keeping this hunk of steel hanging around. I have no plans to engage in battle anytime in the near future, unless someone invades my home. In which case, that is what the 12 gauge is for.

As far as brush cutting goes, I assure you that I had my fill of that particular exercise back when I was young and tough. Along with log skidding and firewood splitting. The new wore off long ago. That Bath'leth looks entirely too much like a brush hook to encourage me to try it out on that idea.

For a "Targ" hunt I believe my father-in-law's nine millimeter would be a better choice anyway.

If you already hunt I'd use it for hunting. Get down an dirty instead of using a gun.... sorta like bow-hunting, only manlier

You could use it to frighten off A/T'Pers!

Here's an idea. I've always thought that the Bath'leth would lend itself well to the bo katas in karate, being two-ended and all. Here's what ya do. Order yourself a Klingon uniform from one of those costume websites. While you're waiting three months for it to come in, take up karate and learn two or three bo katas, adapting them to the bath'leth. (You'll probably want to build a wooden mockup of the thing for training if you want to keep all of your fingers while you're learning.) Once you have the katas down, get in full costume and make an instructional video! You could sell 'em on E-bay by the thousands... maybe even start a new SF convention martial arts craze and inspire a new series once the guys at Paramount see how much money can be made... provided you don't get arrested first for copyright infringement, that is.