Refusing to Fight?

[Alelou]

I don't think anyone can know with certainty that they would never back out of a marriage if it became painful enough. It's not like people plan on it, or they wouldn't get married in the first place. Well, maybe a few dodo-heads who really only care about the wedding would, but not most people.

It doesn't help that in this country it's almost taken for granted that when love dies a marriage should too. It's my own experience that love, like faith, can wax and wane a bit as one goes through life. Attention can wander. Hurt feelings can build up. Depressions and disappointments and catastrophes can get in the way. Do you stick it no matter what, or not? It may seem simple to you now, but check in with us again twenty years into your marriage and I suspect it may not seem quite so cut and dried...

However, I also tend to agree that Trip wouldn't be the first to end it, because he doesn't think of himself as someone who'd just ditch that commitment. No, first he'd try to provoke HER into ending it, just like this guy did.

Damn, I wish I had time to write fanfic right now.

[WarpGirl]

I have never thought marriage was simple or cut and dry, and I am well aware that life throws unimaginable problems at you. Most of mine come with nearly dying so yeah life is dramatic. But my point is that if you make up your mind not to allow life to interfere with your commitment, then you can probably stop it from happening. After all that's what this woman did. Of course there ARE MAJOR exceptions, adultry, physical abuse, ect. But I don't see Trip letting life, emotional crises, or catastrophies tear his marriage apart. And I don't agree that he would take the actions of the husband in the artical to end his marriage if he were to end it.

[Bether6074]

You know, it doesn't even have to be catastrophes. It can be a slow process of growing apart. Too little time to devote to one another, work, medical problems, financial issues, the everyday ins and outs of life...It isn't easy maintaining a strong relationship if you slip into not nurturing that relationship. Some may wish for the romantic illusions of wedded bliss to remain forever, but this really is pure fantasy. Love and the beauty of it comes from the simplicities of being human. It's about weathering the storms and maintaining the love...and wanting to maintain the love through the difficult times. If that foundation remains, then a couple can find the strength to work together on the relationship all the time even in times of great stress. If that foundation is lost it might be more difficult to pick up the pieces. You may not even care enough to want to try.

[WarpGirl]

But that is what I mean romantic thinking that marriage is just a relationship of love and respect with no work is so rediculous. Making a firm resolve to NOT allow yourself to fall into a practice of not communicating, and stopping active WORK to keep things strong, it isn't going to work. I don't care who you are it won't work. Now, in life there are A LOT of things that you simply CANNOT control. OK fine, that's absolutely a problem. But it's something that takes an active decision to deal with as a COUPLE not an individual. While you can't stop a mid-life crises you CAN stop a mid-life crises from destroying your marriage. But it takes BOTH people working, non-stop and working hard.

I just believe that after Terra Prime TnT make a conscious decision to keep working whatever life throws at them. Period. And with that comittment in place I don't think that Trip would do what that husband does.

[justTripn]

Yes, I think Trip could have a mid-life crisis since obviously I've written one. It's not something he plans, but he is married to someone who does not smile or flatter him, who gives him her loyalty and expects him to act responsbily in return and help her with a very depressing problem. On the other hand there is this young woman who sees Trip through her rose-tinted glasses and makes him feel "like Superman" (in my story). So despite his best intentions, he has a little crisis.

[Alelou]

Which he weathers admirably, I might add.

[Bether6074]

Now, in life there are A LOT of things that you simply CANNOT control. OK fine, that's absolutely a problem. But it's something that takes an active decision to deal with as a COUPLE not an individual. While you can't stop a mid-life crises you CAN stop a mid-life crises from destroying your marriage. But it takes BOTH people working, non-stop and working hard.

Yes, I totally agree with you in that it is something that BOTH partners need to work on in order to have a successful long term relationship. In this particular case it seems as though the husband decided that he would be willing to try to work on things and that is why he went back to his wife. I'd be really surprised if the problems just ended with him returning. Returning to the marriage probably means that he's now willing to face the problems rather than run away from them. From the other perspective I can also see how you could never make your spouse want to repair the marriage if he didn't have the desire to do so in the first place. As long as both partners are willing, there is hope. That's my take on it anyway.

Someone should write a story for this, huh?

[WarpGirl]

Well of course you can't make a marriage work if one partner doesn't WANT too. But that goes back to the point that if you ever give yourself the option where you wouldn't want to work, then you'll most likely fail. In my life the only things that would make me quit are adultry and abuse. Most people don't live like that anymore. What weirds me out about this woman is that she never bothered to find out what her husband was up too while he was out for days at a time. And I can't see Trip behaving that way as a father let alone a husband. Assuming we are talking about a marriage with children like the artical.

[Aquarius]

I can answer why the author didn't check up on what her husband was up to while he was out for days at a time: because sometimes knowing the answer doesn't put you any closer to a solution, you can't control what he's doing any way, and sometimes the answer is just plain painful.

Honestly, you can let things like going through the cell bill and text messages and all of that take over your life. All it does is make you feel even more powerless, because the simple fact of the matter is, he's gonna do what he's gonna do. You can spend so much time focusing and obsessing on this stuff that you become even more of an unhappy, unproductive mess. There comes a point where, instead of obsessing about that which you can't control, you take care of the things you CAN control...like going to work, keeping your house going, making sure your kids are okay, etc. Again, I hardly say this is a passive course of action. Passive would be if you were letting the other aspects of your life slide while you let the situation take you over.

Do I speak from experience here? Yes. Have I had things happen that made me angry? Yes. But again, I'm not here for sympathy or to have my mental/emotional heath evaluated, I'm just trying to say that the stuff in this article isn't so crazy from a certain perspective. Just because you're not making yourself sick over it doesn't mean you don't care, it just means that you care enough about yourself to try to stay sane. And that's not necessarily unhealthy, or just ignoring it and hoping it'll go away. It's playing it cool and waiting to see how certain elements play out while you go on with other aspects of your life, and you'll act on it when you're in a position to do so.

[WarpGirl]

But not knowing can give you an STD that could kill you. Also knowing doesn't mean you have to let it take over your life. Knowing can help you make an informed choice on if you CAN forgive. Also there is a difference in obtaining necessary information and becoming obsessed over it.

[Aquarius]

But not knowing can give you an STD that could kill you.

Condom. Abstinence. If your partner is engaging in suspicious behavior, isn't it good to take precautions and protect yourself, even if you don't have the proof that he's doing something wrong? Sorry, but going through the bills and finding suspicious phone numbers or weird charges on the credit cards aren't going to do much to protect your body in and of themselves, especially if he was too slick for that stuff to begin with. You can be proactive and take responsibility for your health whether you know what he's up to or not. What happened to your friend is awful, but it can still happen no matter what. I was friends with a woman who got herpes from her cheating husband and she didn't even have a clue he was cheating at the time, so those credit card slips and phone bills didn't do her any good in that instance, because he wasn't behaving suspiciously. He didn't want out of the relationship, he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too, which to me is much worse. When someone tells you they want out, I think it's a safe bet they've lost interest in you sexually so you're not necessarily going to catch anything while they're out carousing. If he decides to come back, make him get tested--THAT'S the ignorance that'll get you killed if you don't do it, and it's a bit of common sense that doesn't require you to go through his bills or wallet or anything.

And it's kind of hard to forgive something while it's still going on. You usually can't start rebuilding things until they've made the decision that they want to come back and rebuild it. At that point it seems you've got an opportunity to get your questions answered and find some closure on the situation; by nature you're not gonna get that stuff while they're still out there figuring stuff out. It's easier than you think to make the situation worse by forcing the issue.

[WarpGirl]

Who said I thought going through phone bills, cell phone logs, credit card statements, blackberries, digital cameras, or any other form of snooping was going to answer the question? You're assuming that, I think that woman should do those things, (I don't) and that I would do them. (I wouldn't) just because OTHER women have done it that way doesn't mean it would work for me. Personally if any man EVER cheated on me it would be over. But some people can forgive that, my question is how can they forgive if they don't know. Really I think you might be assuming too much and reading things I absolutely did not say.

[pdsldl]

Here the husband said he wanted out ,didn't love her, so it may be that like many others she considered that time as time they were separated and whatever happened happened. Doesn't mean she can't insist he have a test before they reengage in sex or that she can't use protection. Too many people there's a big difference between casual sex and making love, not that it should be acceptable. But unless you expect perfection from your mate there are a lot of things that can take place in a marriage that you are willing to deal with if there's love there. Sometimes it just gets lost in all the day to day crap.

And I can see this woman's view. Why take on his problems and make the situation worse. She had been married to him for a long time and it appears she knew him somewhat better than he knew himself and she just waited him out. Why accept a future you don't want until it's absolutely clear that you have no choice and you move on. I don't think I could do what she did because I tend to get angry and hurt and want to strike back but if I cared for someone enough I'd like to think I'd at least try.

[WarpGirl]

Here's my thing they guy didn't even move out! My parents were separated last year, mom came to my place dad stayed in their house. Now I know what my mother did, because she was with me. And eventually they worked things out. But this guy he didn't move out, I saw no indication they shared serparate beds, and he's still going out at all hours???????? That's insanity! OK so she doesn't "Take on his problems." But a few ground rules aren't out of the question either. Not when you live together and their are minor children in the house. She can demand that he be a father, (attending FAMILY functions) if he lives with them. She can kick him into the guest room. But there isn't ANY sign she did any of that. That is crazy, absolutely nuts. And to top it all off she STOPS trying to communicate with him at all. Not healthy.

[Alelou]

I would be very, very, very surprised if they were sharing a bed at that point. I just assumed they weren't. She even looked up that "responsible separation" list on google, after all.