Refusing to Fight?

[WarpGirl]

Well I know that some men don't go to their wives for sex if they're cheating, but the men in my family do. They take what they can get. So far not my dad but his father and brothers oh yes.

[Alelou]

I haven't seen a lot of guys who tell a woman they don't love her and don't even say happy birthday and slink around not showing for family gatherings and still expect to get any. That's more the way of the guy who thinks or at least pretends that he's managing to keep everything separate and secret and buys his wife stuff to make her think he still gives a crap about her (and who knows, maybe he even does, he just feels entitled to also get as much noogie on the side as he can).

There's a big difference between a man in a crisis of spirit, who's depressed and casting about for a reason and a way out, and a man who simply feels entitled to do whatever the hell he wants as long as he can get away with it.

[WarpGirl]

People who are depressed are prone to destructive behavior. It happens Alelou I might not be married, I might not have life experience of decades, but I do know somethings.

[Kotik]

People who are depressed are prone to destructive behavior. It happens Alelou I might not be married, I might not have life experience of decades, but I do know somethings.

They are not prone to destructive behaviour, they ARE acting destructive toward themselves and others. I've had my bout with depression and if I were to tell the things, that I did to myself and people close to me during that time, it would beggar belief.

[justTripn]

Well once again, what a partner might be doing while separated (if he considered himself separated, I didn't think he did) is out of one's control. And the problem of reconciling is no worse than that of pairing up with someone for the first time. You can take precautions or trust their word that they are disease-free. I think that episodes of depression happen to a large portion of the population.

[Bether6074]

People with depression are often not thinking clearly. The mind becomes filled with pessimistic and negative thought patterns and it becomes difficult to see things any other way. It may be a response to unexpressed feelings (especially anger) and unmet needs over an extended period of time. Or I suppose it could also have to do with a whole myriad of things that have occurred during one's lifetime. There are even some studies that show a genetic link toward the tendency. I would think that the doing the whatever the hell they want to is a form of acting out too. It's destructive and eventually self-defeating. I agree that depression could happen to anyone and that it likely happens to a lot of folks from all walks of life.

[Alelou]

You can inherit a tendency towards depression. Brain chemistry has a lot to do with it.

But I do also believe that patterns of thinking can have a lot to do with it, or at least help you in escaping from the worst of it.

[Aikiweezie]

My aforementioned marital discord certainly had an element of depression to blame. That and a lot of major family related baggage, including depression.

This isn't about clinical depression really, but I read a study not long ago that proved that we all have a set point. If you tend to be happy, even though you may be surrounded by sadness and tragedy, you will get over it and re-set yourself to happiness. Likewise, some people never are happy. No matter what. They never CAN be happy. They may have everything they ever wanted but it still can't get them over that hump.

Fortunately I tend to be one of those "happy" people. Which is a good right now.

[Aquarius]

Who said I thought going through phone bills, cell phone logs, credit card statements, blackberries, digital cameras, or any other form of snooping was going to answer the question? You're assuming that, I think that woman should do those things, (I don't) and that I would do them. (I wouldn't) just because OTHER women have done it that way doesn't mean it would work for me. Personally if any man EVER cheated on me it would be over. But some people can forgive that, my question is how can they forgive if they don't know. Really I think you might be assuming too much and reading things I absolutely did not say.

You were speaking about checking up on the husband's activities. I made my response based on "finding out what he's up to." What I AM assuming is that it isn't going to be as simple as asking him and he tells you, so "finding out" usually requires a little detective work. So if I was reading anything into what you said, it's because I was following a line of reasoning based on my own comments that you responded to, so I assumed we were on the same page as to what the subject was.

[WarpGirl]

Obviously we weren't.

[panyasan]

I just found the time to read the article, after reading everybody's reaction. What I liked about the article is the fact that she is clearly indicating that she is responsible for her own happiness. Also she doesn't let emotions rule her life. Feelings can change, but love is what you build together and commitment is the key. Sometimes the feeling doesn't count and you still have to work on your relationship.
The women in the story is saying to her husband : you have this feeling and you think you don't love me and you want out of the marriage, but that is not true. You don't like yourself and what you have (or haven't) achieved in life. So she refused to given in to his lie, she set boundaries (a half year) and gave him space (not to have another relationship, but to get his act together).
I don't know if I would respond the same way (hearing "I don't love you anymore and a husband acting like a jerk is very painful) and ever relationship is different, but I think she knows her husband very well and is fighting for her marriage for not giving in to her husbands moods and sudden feelings.

[Lady Rainbow]

You know, it doesn't even have to be catastrophes. It can be a slow process of growing apart. Too little time to devote to one another, work, medical problems, financial issues, the everyday ins and outs of life...It isn't easy maintaining a strong relationship if you slip into not nurturing that relationship. Some may wish for the romantic illusions of wedded bliss to remain forever, but this really is pure fantasy. Love and the beauty of it comes from the simplicities of being human. It's about weathering the storms and maintaining the love...and wanting to maintain the love through the difficult times. If that foundation remains, then a couple can find the strength to work together on the relationship all the time even in times of great stress. If that foundation is lost it might be more difficult to pick up the pieces. You may not even care enough to want to try.

This. Definitely.

I have 2 autistic children. I have to admit daily life is no picnic. When Michael was diagnosed, my husband and I were crushed. We hoped Michael would grow up to be a "normal" little boy, with hopes and dreams. I have to admit, I blamed my husband for Michael's condition (his family has a history of mental illness, I didn't find this out until after Michael was diagnosed). I reacted by being pro-active, reading everything I could about autism and sensory issues. My husband reacted by withdrawing. He was already a workaholic; he became more of one.

Talk about a storm to weather. Not only was I so wrapped up in caring for Michael, there was the costs of therapy, medical issues, etc. We were drifting apart, and weren't really talking with each other. Just having one special needs kid and dealing with those issues can tear a marriage apart. Then when Christina was diagnosed, I had to deal with the grief, etc. all over again.

I wanted out of the marriage. Overwhelmed, burned out, blaming my husband for it all.

And emotions ran high. It got to the point where if we didn't communicate and were on the same page, the marriage was over. We finally got it all out in the open. It's better now than it's been, but it takes an effort to work at it.

What does this have to do with anything?

What I liked about the article is the fact that she is clearly indicating that she is responsible for her own happiness. Also she doesn't let emotions rule her life. Feelings can change, but love is what you build together and commitment is the key. Sometimes the feeling doesn't count and you still have to work on your relationship.

Amen to this. I had to take better care of myself, because if I wasn't happy, no one was happy. And I admit, I'm can get pretty emotional (like Trip), and my hubby's more like T'Pol. But we really had to work on it.

So she refused to given in to his lie, she set boundaries (a half year) and gave him space (not to have another relationship, but to get his act together)...but I think she knows her husband very well and is fighting for her marriage for not giving in to her husbands moods and sudden feelings.

This too. At least she was able to set those boundaries. And she wasn't ready to just give up on her marriage.

There's a big difference between a man in a crisis of spirit, who's depressed and casting about for a reason and a way out, and a man who simply feels entitled to do whatever the hell he wants as long as he can get away with it

Amen to that. The second one is a jerk that deserves to be dumped on his a**.

[Alelou]

Hang in there, LR. That's got to be one of the toughest challenges any marriage ever faces.

[justTripn]

Sorry. I just noticed your post Lady Rainbow. It's a very sad story. Thanks for sharing it. I guess one thing we bring out into the open with Alelou's post is that real relationships aren't one big happy Trip and T'Pol bonded love story. (Which I'd always suspected, lol . . . ) No couple can live up to those impossible expectations and many married couples have already weathered huge storms to still be together. I sometimes feel sorry for beautiful, rich, famous people when it comes to relationships because they can't seem to weather these storms -- probably because they have too many options. It's the mystery of the beautiful TV/movie star who seems to be all alone.

For us regular people at least we can pat ourselves on the back at the end and say, "I did it! We saw it through. I'm still with the guy I had all these kids with."